© 2005 Copyright Mapping Love LLC. All rights reserved.

Mars & Venus Institute® certified Coaches

Consumer Report: Matchmakers

Part 1of 3 in a series on hiring and managing professionals to help you find and care for your relationship.

So you've decided to hire a matchmaker? Now what? How do you research them? How do you choose? How do you know what is fair to pay? How, if you choose poorly, do you renegotiate your alliance, end your association, or take punitive action if necessary? Matchmakers are not licensed and overseen by a specific government agency. They are, however, bound by laws that govern all businesses. Even an ethical and professional matchmaker may not be a fit for you and your needs. Buyer beware. It's your money and your time. Choose well.

First, do your research. Ask around. I know, you don't want to tell people you are considering using a matchmaker. Swallow your pride and talk to other single people. Go to a website and/or blog that discusses the issue. Then you can talk anonymously with others who've used a specific service. Call and email the matchmakers you think best fit your needs. Ask specific questions about their membership numbers. How many members, how many in specific categories; age, sex, income, interests, etc. You don't want to pay a matchmaker to find your soul mate if they have lots of members your same age and sex but no members of the opposite sex unless you are looking for a same sex soul mate. There are matchmakers who specialize in many different kinds of relationships. Find the one that suits you.

The cost of using a matchmaker, sometimes called a dating service, ranges from $1500 to $150,000 with an average price of around $6000, depending on what you are looking for and how difficult it will be to find it for you. The range of service can be as wide as the range of price. Make sure you get a price for service before you give them a great deal of personal information. Many matchmakers use your income to determine price. This is an unfair business practice. There are times when it is necessary but they are rare. If you are an older man, not fit and not attractive and you are looking for a very young, fertile and attractive woman the matchmaker could reasonably need to know your income in order to determine how hard it will be to find someone who fits your desires and is willing to marry you. Most of us don't fit that description. A 35 year old woman looking for a man between 30 and 45 to build a lifetime with, doesn't need to tell them how much money she makes for them to quote her a price. Make sure during the interview that it is you asking the questions. If the matchmaker immediately starts talking to you about what you are looking for, then talking about all the wonderful members they have who fit that description, know that you are being sold. They may talk about 'finding' someone for you. You should know that is a rare and very expensive service. In general they may offer free memberships to people in your age group but they wont really be 'shopping' for your perfect mate.

Once you've chosen to use a specific matchmaker, design your alliance with them. I'm not talking about the contract. The contract only gives you the basic promise they make to you. They promise to introduce you to X number of people in X number of months. You need to speak with the person who will be setting up your dates and tell them that you don't want to waste your time or money. That you are not in a hurry. Don't ask for the world here, but be specific about your 'must haves' and your 'deal breakers'. Let them know that you will not consider an introduction valid unless it meets certain basic criteria. I had a client who was an Evangelical, fundamentalist Christian who attended church services 1 to 2 times per week. One of her 'must haves' was obviously that her soul mate be a Christian. Her first 'match' was a practicing Orthodox Jew whose main 'must have' was that his soul mate be Jewish. Each of them needed to have told the matchmaker, 'that one doesn't count.' Each matchmaker has an interview process that tells them what you are looking for in a more specific way. That is the place to ask for the moon. Designing your alliance is a bare bones process and may need to be repeated each time you meet with them. If a date isn't a match, stop and write down why not before you call your matchmaker. Be specific and ask them again to set you up only with people who meet your criteria. The same holds if they nail it. Say so and say why. If you are consistently getting matched with people who don't match, ask for a meeting and let them know you are not happy and want to have your interview repeated and you want to start over at zero. Make sure you ask specifically for what you want and that you keep asking until you get it, or get told 'no'.

Finally, if you need to take punitive action against a matchmaker be meticulous. Make notes about what happened, when and who you spoke to about it. Then, put it all on paper and send one copy to the matchmaker and one copy to the Better Business Bureau. If that doesn't get you the results you need and you believe you have been intentionally cheated, contact your County and/or State Attorney General. Report the matchmaker for unfair business practices and be prepared to tell them in short order why the practice was unfair. Don't spend energy or time looking for sympathy or telling the story. Tell them what happened and what you want. Then file a suit in Small Claims court for the amount you paid. Send a copy of the claim to every major news agency in your area. I know, I know, you don't want a story done on how you got ripped off by a matchmaker. They count on that. There are good matchmakers who care about what they do. There are others who prey on your unwillingness to talk about it to anyone. They will use your hopes and dreams and your willingness to take the blame against you to take your money and not keep their promises. You have a responsibility as a consumer not to let it happen.

Next month: coaching and seminars on dating and relationships.

How do busy people meet people to date? By Annie Ory

"So in other words," said Dr. Phil, "a man would have to throw himself on the hood of your car to meet you!" How do busy people meet people to date? Dating, the first stage on the road to marriage, is not easy for many reasons. The most common among them is the difficulty of meeting "quality candidates." Adding to the difficulty, many of us carry misinformation about resources that keeps us from utilizing them to our best advantage. Friend and family introductions, bars and restaurants, gyms and activities, on-line dating services, match-makers, etc. It can be a daunting sorting process. What will work? more >>

Ask The Coach
Question: About a year ago, I went to a Matchmaker and paid them a considerable (for me) sum of money for a contract promising a certain number of introductions. I sat through the fairly in depth 'interview' process where they talked to me about what I was looking for in a wife and what I have to offer. I am quite particular and know that. That is why I got professional help. Unfortunately, only a few of the introductions they offered me fit my stated criteria in any way. Of the few that did, I did not fit theirs. They were unable to make a match and I asked for my money back. They insisted that they could introduce me to more women. Of course, each of the 'dates' costs me a $50-100 and 1-3 hours of my time. I have given up on their finding anyone appropriate for me and on getting my money back. They have stopped returning my phone calls. I feel cheated and stupid and I hate to let them get away with it. What do you suggest I do?

Answer: Well, first, stop feeling stupid. You did what any reasonable person would do. You admitted you weren't prepared to tackle the task on your own and you asked for help. Unfortunately, you didn't do your research, so you naturally feel cheated, but we live and learn. Now, how to get your money back? First, draft a letter detailing the timeline, agreements, verbal and written and actual interactions (meetings, introductions, reasons it didn't fit, what you said and did about it, etc). Then send the letter with a demand for a full refund to the matchmaker and a copy to the BBB. Give them 2 weeks to respond and then file a small claims case. Arm yourself for court, if you have to go, with a copy of your contract and your time line. Witnesses, such as the women you met, would be excellent as well. The contract and the behavior of the matchmaker is regulated by the state. Get a copy of the regulations governing them to take to court with you. Finally, save others your pain and suffering by sending a copy of the letter to all the local news agencies. They will not use your name or face without permission but it is something they might consider newsworthy.

Matchmaking is an interesting industry. There are practices in theindustry that, while legal, are not honest or proper. The industry has enough successes to post a few letters on their websites but, interestingly, most of the people I know in the business are single. Hmmm. Finally, if you choose to use a professional for help in this area, do your homework. There are amazing tools out there. It just takes a little skill and some common sense to use them. I've never spoken to a single client who was happy with their matchmaker. I, on the other hand, was very happy with both of mine even though I did not meet my husband through them. I negotiated price, didn't let them dictate price to me. I made my desires clear and specific and told them what bottom line deal breakers I had. I told them in the beginning that I would hold them personally accountable for the results and that I would not accept their wasting my time and money. Each of them introduced me to very appropriate people. Good luck and keep me posted?