Question: When I was first dating the man I am married to (we've been married 12 years) he appeared to care about my needs and wants. Now I feel like he "tunes out" on me whenever I want to share what I'm feeling. I'm very confused, and sometimes angry. I want to propose marriage counseling.  However, I'm afraid that he won't agree. Then what?

Response: For a moment, try to step out of the perspective, 'He doesn't care about my needs anymore.' Which I get and I understand, and then step into the perspective that he's as confused and hurt and scared as you are and wants to make it better. How does that feel different? Now, if your husband asked you to go to therapy and work on communication and support in your marriage, would you go? What if he said, 'We have to go to therapy because you don't care about me anymore and you need fixing.'? So ask him, while acknowledging that you both have made mistakes. Acknowledge the love and the hope present in him by his continued presence. Divorce is easy. Living in a marriage with no love is hard. If he didn't love you, he'd be gone. The question you really asked though is: 'I'm afraid that he won't agree. Then what? Well then you go without him. You go and talk and think and hope and work and wonder and trust that this man, this man you love so much, will see you working and hoping and wondering and trusting and thinking, and he'll think, 'I'll go too.' Or, maybe he wont and you'll change and things will get better anyway. Maybe.

Who knew? It's Date Your Mate Month. I don't know if that was officially passed by Congress or possibly by The Restaurateurs of America? Regardless, here we are. So what to do? When we are dating, most of us want it to end so we can be with someone who is more, well let's face it, comfortable. We even imagine intimacy and closeness that aren't real while we're dating. Then, we find our special someone and things change in unexpected ways. Relationships have a natural pattern of change. I think the purpose of Date Your Mate month is to look back at the things you did for and with your partner before you were in a relationship and see if doing some of those things will bring back some of that feeling of excitement and newness about one another. The question is, can it be done? Can you put yourself back there? What if your partner wont do it with you? Or doesn't get it right? Or thinks it's a stupid idea? Can it still have a positive effect?

When I think back to the time when my husband was romancing me, what I remember is that he did most things right, got things occasionally wrong and just really wanted to be with me and thought I was amazing. My response to that was very positive. Today, the things we do are different, bigger, easier to get wrong. Still, he does most things right, gets things occasionally wrong and just really wants to be with me and thinks I'm amazing. Isn't it strange that we both think everything is different? So for today, I will try to remind Mark why he chose me over all the other women he knew with that positive response he loved. I intend to send him a clear message that he is doing things that please me and that he is finding success with me. I intend to give him that positive response he loved. Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget why we're in a relationship and you can ask my husband, it's not because it's cheaper to live together.

If you give Date Your Mate month a whirl, remember, it's not going out that makes dating different from marriage. Married people go out. What makes dating and marriage different is the way we treat one another. Once it was easy, now it may be hard, to remember to smile when you see your partner walk in the door. Remember to reach for her fanny or steal that kiss on the back of his neck when people are watching. When Mark Twain said, 'Familiarity breeds contempt...' he was right, and wrong. We can let our partners know us and still give them the best we have. Because in the end that's what dating is, giving your best so you'll win your intended's heart. Now that it's yours it still wants your best.

Sing into Summer Gala 2005 - 20th Anniversary of the St Germaine Auxiliary to the Child Abuse Prevention Foundation, Saturday, June 4th 2005, 6pm at The Hilton Del Mar. Cocktail Reception with Hors d'oeuvres from San Diego's top Restaurants, Silent Auction, Sit-Down Dinner, Dancing to Society Beat with Tom Blair, Entertainment, Theme Decor, Special Guests. Tax Deductable: Gold Partron - $200 or Silver Patron - $125. Contact 858-450-9950 for tickets.

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